Wednesday, May 7, 2014

Taking care

I have pretty fantastic nails.  I mean it.  Strong, perfectly healthy nails that are pink and then naturally white as they grow longer.  The kind of nails people spend lots of money trying to fake, those just grow right on me.  It's amazing, then, that I used to just let them break.

I would let my nails grow.  I would admire them and even brag about them on occasion.  I have met more than one woman jealous and delightfully green while admiring my nails.

My strong nails could take quite a beating. Car doors, zippers, cupboards and drawers wouldn't phase them for weeks at a time and then suddenly one day CRACK! Some tiny thing, some silly movement, and a strong beautiful nail would just crack in the most painful or ugly way.

Sometimes the nail would bend back first, causing my finger to bruise below the nail-bed.  Sometimes it would just break clean off, though a little too far down.  And other times the nail would break in the weirdest shapes, leaving an weirdly dangerous, sharp and jagged claw behind.

This always bothered me for obvious reasons, but mostly because once ONE nail broke, I had to cut them ALL to match. I hated that.  Especially my pinkie nail.  I rarely if ever brake a pinkie nail. So it is the worst to have to cut that lovely thing down to size.

Then my hands look chubby.  I can see how dry they are.  Now all the dry cuticles and hangnails are not only visible but prominent to the eye!  Ugh.  My hands aren't beautiful anymore!  So for a while I try to focus on them being "Capable Hands" instead of "Lovely Hands."

Sure, both are great.  But I had problem with that. It meant that every couple of weeks, I let a single broken nail change how I defined myself.

This morning I looked at my perfect nails and I decided to clip them. Not super low like I would have to if one broke.  I simply cut them to a more manageable level; they are less likely to break if they are short.  And they are more attractive just a little long.

As I put the clippers away I realized something:  I have a pattern of WAITING for a nail to break.

But not this time.

This is evidence that I am learning. I am changing. I'm not waiting for things to fall a part.  I'm not waiting for something to go wrong first.  I'm not waiting for catastrophe.

I'm not WAITING.


I see what needs to be done and I do it. Because I don't need the inconvenience later; because I don't want to define myself differently based on an accident. Because I am the creator, not the reactor.

It's working because I'm working. Even when I think it's not working, I'm working. And then I get to see that it's working.

1 comment:

  1. Sweet! I love it. "Compelling yourself" eh? Awesome.