I was so excited to start this particular blog because things were going well.
Let us now take a moment to notice the title of the blog: My Mess is my Message.
It states pretty clearly that I have a mess...and implies that I might have more than one.
My current mess looks like me trying to balance all my "opportunties."
I put it in quotes because my anxiety makes them seem less shiny than they are.
And by anxiety I mean this weird underlying sensation of fear. I once described it as if my life were a two layer cake with a thin layer of fear frosting between the cakes and along the edges. Yes, I have these thick layers of yummy goodness...and with every taste there is the added flavor of fear.
It's less yummy. It's the fight or flight response when I don't need to do either.
So what am I learning?
I'm learning to use the Feild technique.
If I get overwhelmed, I go out to my deck and have a chat with my backyard, pouring all my energy, anger, and garbage onto the healing sponge of mother earth.
I'm learning to use "daily reflection" which basically is me writing in my journal.
There was a time not too long ago where I was writing for hours a day. I took a break to read a book. And then it was eight months later. So, the daily reflection is me trying to kick-start writing again.
Because I NEED to write.
I had so many messages a few months ago...and I believe I still do. I just have to find and voice them again.
Also: I'm losing my ability to sing. That really stinks. I haven't really sung in months, and any time I even try it physically hurts.
I was a good singer. I don't know what's happening. After I lost my voice in the spring, things just aren't the same. And I don't know how to get it back. Moreover, when I pray about it, I am just told to write.
I don't know....so I guess I'll just "do" for the time being.